Angry Robot

Heavenly Sword is Sexy Fine! OR Hey Good Lookin, Why You So Boring?

The cinematics are amazing, engrossing, seriously I want to watch them forever. Some of the facial expressions on the bad guys are slightly over done, but hey, they are traditional over the top baddies and those dudes always have eccentric looks. That being said, everything else is super sweet looking. The dialogue is sometimes a bit…meh, like “I do not pray, the Gods seldom listen…” that kinda line is strictly reserved for Conan and Xena in my book. And this whole gender bender issue kinda pisses me off. Seriously, the whole “The savior is supposed to be a dude oh no wait now it’s a girl what ever shall we do! Shame and a curse upon us!” is lame sexist boring lame. No I mean it; I’m not all King Tut of Feminism here but That. Is. Lame. How about having her part of this sacred tribe that has never and can never spill blood because if they do a plague with strike down their entire line forever. That would be cool. Not “she’s got a vagina oh no only a penis can save us now!” So lame!

Moving away from the beautiful graphics and the semi-bearable plot. The gameplay! Button mashing mania! Awesome! I had to keep myself motivated after wave and wave of fighters would come at me. Just make it to the next cut scene, I said to myself, she’s super hot, it’s worth it! It’s really hard to get excited when you’re just doing the same moves over and over and you know you’ve got like five more minutes of the same thing in each stage. Then the motion control rears its head in the form of projectile weaponry. Any projectile you use is completely ineffective unless you use the handy little press square and guide the missile to its target via waving the controller around. (Note: You can turn this off but at the time I didn’t know so I played two stages through with it) It sucks! I hated doing it because it took me a while to actually do it and I just didn’t know why it was there. Again with the throwing in Wii style play on the MegaMightyMachine PS3. I seriously doubt people bought the PS3 to play Wii on.

Some gamers are complaining about the lack of puzzles, as if they think the title of this game is God of War: Nariko’s Revenge. But it’s not, it was never going to be a puzzle fighter. It is simply a linear 3rd person action rpg. The story is locked and loaded with super charged visuals and a combat system that just doesn’t give you the excitement or variety needed to make you crave to play it like any good game does. God of War had me when I ripped a griffin’s wings off. I was so there, man. All HS has going for it is the fact that Nariko is hot with great voice acting and I’ll play the damned game just to watch the rest of those sexy cut scenes.

Will I ever play it again after that? Probably not, but you never know.