The big three’s announcements were a little underwhelming. The least underwhelming was Microsoft’s; besides the stream of sequels that were all the rage for all three, they had a couple worthwhile things to announce – the Netflix deal, the Final Fantasy coup.

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So I was watching E3 on the telly yesterday and found myself in the middle of Nintendo’s press conference. Reggie was blabbing away about how Nintendo is such a super seller and how their third party Wii games are just as awesome and everything is going so well and number one console for a reason blah blah blah. It occurred to me then that I am absolutely repulsed bu Nintendo’s smugness.

Yes, the Wii is excellent for group games and “casual” gamers and stuff like that, but to prattle on about how you are the best in the industry when what you really are is a peddler of cheap plasitc wheels and step pads is distasteful. My disgust continued as trailers for their upcoming games assaulted mine eyes. I’d really like a Wii commercial to surface without the godawful view of players’ Joker-like-too-happy-faces. Then the games with happy children standing on the step boards and surfing through space…and though the Silver Surfer implications are tempting I just can’t get over all these motion-based add-ons. I mean why should it surprise me that they would go down that road? Nintendo has always been the “let’s make add-on shit” people, I get that. I guess just looking at their “we’re selling so much” charts and just that whole business side trying to appeal to gamers with “I’m a suit but I’m a reliable source for you to trust” attitude just pissed me off.

I really like Nintendo, I really do. There are some good games and the Wii is a solid platform for fun. Just the arrogance to think that they are going to be the number one console irks me. I know you have to have a strong sense of product love in a company…I just feel that when Sony once again surfaces as the leader of the industry in a few years Nintendo’s going to get lost in its dust and look ridiculous.

So that’s my problem with Nintendo’s smugness, I’m worried that it’s going to come and hit them in the back of the head.

And I just don’t want to see that happen.

Nintendo’s press conference just went down and the big news is: Wii Music, which is like a non-judgmental version of Rock Band; a new mic-speaker peripheral for the Wii, “WiiSpeak”; Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Wii sometime this year, which will take advantage of said peripheral; a Grand Theft Auto­ game for the DS (GTA: Chinatown Wars); and a new WiiSports game, Wii Sports Resort, featuring fencing and frisbee (and which presumably requires the new Wii Motion Plus add-on for the Wiimote).

Nothing too exciting, but then Nintendo doesn’t need any enormous surprises. The Sony conference is underway now. Oh and also the Bungie stuff will be tomorrow, not yesterday.

So there are three new Sim games coming soon and I want my grubby paws on all of them!

First: Space Station Sim! Ha!

The game is available from Avanquest Software and developed by Vision VideoGames in partnership with not one but two space agencies! NASA and the Japanese Space Administration! Crazy authentic! It’s only for the PC though, which fills me with jealous rage, but at least it exists and I think that’s mega major cool.

You play as a Chief Administrator of NASA and have to build a ship and station based on existing modules and customized for communications, crew areas, life support and everything else it takes to run a real space station. But it gets better than just tweaky the real life techy specs! You have to choose and assign your crew based on personalities and skills!! Totally awesome! I love that stuff! You could theoretically make a really tight and horrible station and then pack it with bitchy mean people and watch it crash to the ground! Or that’s what Toku would do anyway…

Anyway, you then have to regulate the crews interpersonal relationships, experiments and daily routines! You tell them when to eat, sleep, work out, watch tv, read! Awesome!! Totally my perfect game! Since I’m never ever going to get to do anything like this in real life what better game could I ever hope for that a space station sim? I couldn’t hope for one! This is it!

The game is out in June so for all you damned lucky PC owners, play it! Enjoy it! You bastards!

Second: SimCity Creator! Joy!

EA’s new Wii and DS title focuses on the creation of wee cities throughout time and also their destruction by your Wiimote wielding hands of doom!

The Wii version lets you create your city from scratch just like always, but this time they also include thirteen “city styles” to use like European or American. You can add transportation in a bunch of new ways and can make some pretty cool zippy-do-da-day curvy rollercoaster-like systems. There are also thirty “Hero” buildings, some unlockable, which are based on historical, famous fiction icons, and current day feats of architecture. There better be some sort of Batman tower to use…

When it’s all built and perfect you can take helicopter, jet, or old school propeller plane rides over your creation and then…Destroy it! Natural distasters, alien invaders, SUPER ROBOT DESTROYERS! All are ready and waiting for you to unleash against your innocent city! One of the best parts of any sand castle is its eventual destruction so…Have at it!

The DS version is just adorable. You guide your city throughout time! How cute is that! So think Age of Empires meets SimCity and…there you have SimCity Creator for the DS! There are four modes, Challenge (which I won’t play), Free Play (which I will play), Chance Encounter and Gallery (that sounds odd…). I just want to take my wee peeps into the future and have a tiny city in my pocket! If only there was a way to have then worship me as their god…That would be awesome.

Anyway, both SimCity Creators are out this September and I cannot wait!

Alright, now we all know I love the hype, I love the gimmick, I love the silly. But I think Wii Fit is pushing the limits even for me…So to sort out my own thoughts I’d like to go through both sides of this crazy game. The good side, and the completely stupid why does it exist side. You can be the judge on which makes more sense for your life.

To preface, Wii Fit has tons to do including Yoga poses, muscle toning, aerobic workouts, and balance tests and training. Much like Brain Age, harder routines and moves are unlocked by the amount of time you spend playing the game, and more specifically, how much time you spend in each activity. There’s also a log that keeps track of the types of activities you do outside of the game and adds that into your total progress over time.

The game sets you up to want to change yourself and guides you through the motions on how to while trying to make it fun and in some cases silly. It worked in Wii Sports, and the thinking remains the same here – people don’t mind looking silly standing in front of a screen if their minds are occupied and they are having fun. Wii Fit is fun, but for how long is a personal choice and one I made within only a few moments of contemplation.

The Good Stuff!

Like all sim games, Wii Fit brings elements of different experiences into the home for easy use with no worries about people laughing at you or harassing you. In Guitar Hero/Rock Band you feel like a super champ of the musical world and have loads of fun “rocking out” even though all you’re really doing is pushing a few buttons in an intense game of simon says. The game lets you feel what it might be like to actually play real music. Dance Dance Revolution lets you shake your booty in the comfort of your living room where no one can see you or say “oh god get THAT off the dance floor!”. And for people who really can’t dance, having a pad to follow along with actually may help them feel the rhythm. These are beautiful things, truly wonderful delights that I’m glad people enjoy playing.

Wii Fit takes that concept and pushes it into a new realm – actual fitness and well-being. You are learning some new skills, albeit ones you could learn from a good article or book, but for some people doing a proper push-up or sit-up is just not in their consciousness whatsoever. Wii Fit takes these disconnected synapses and fastens them together, again in the comfort of one’s own home where no one can laugh at the chubby new kid at the club trying to lose some holiday weight. I don’t care what active living people say, going to the gym when you are not a “gym person” can be intimidating. Plus, some people’s lives just do not fit into a schedule where they can work out at a decent club before or after work. This world is crazy and non-stop and someone, somewhere is working a shitty shift that doesn’t lend itself to tension release on the squash court.

Having the ability to pull out a wee tiny step pad, get yourself into non-Lulu Lemon gear (because why impress with your super awesome $100 Yoga pants when no one can see them?) and have at it on your abs! A shiny, happy Mii character will smile at you and be your guide, your avatar in this new world of gettin’ fit. I don’t know about you, but having a nice little chart full of weight, age, height and where everything should be right in front of me is Hand to the Dee. I like seeing my infos in pretty Wii form, and I like the challenge of taking the numbers and working to make them better. I am the video game and I will conquer myself. Screw being a temple… I’m pixel potential!

As for the Yoga, and yes there are a few moves in that there Wii Fit…Well, classes are expensive, not every one has a yoga school/center in their area and going to yoga is intimidating for some people. So the answer: not a how-to DVD, but have a disembodied voice guide your avatar to inner peace.

See what I mean from this demo:

That’s just nice for those who have access to a Wii and this game, but don’t have a way to get into Yoga. Building bridges, expanding play to education and well being. That is the Way of Wii Fit.

Seniors! How many of us have grandparents who play Wii Sports? Tons of us! Loads of us! Insanely large numbers considering that before Wii Sports, grandparents could care less what us young whippersnappers were doing with our TVs and time. Now, obviously, something like squats are out of the question, but the deep breathing yoga exercises and some of the aerobic exercise are perfect for older people. And the fact that there is active holding of the Wiimote and stepping on the pad really focuses the mind more than simply doing the movements alone. It’s all part of the getting older package – work every thing, every day and it’ll keep working! Like I said though, this is a rather active game so not everything works, but some of it does and that’s enough to make it worthwhile for the whole family.

The Bad Stuff! (get ready for a severe tone change)

I can’t even begin to describe how angry this kind of game makes me. That these kinds of things are being invented and promoted as “healthy” and a good way to get “fit”! Yeah, a good way to stare at a TV for even more time than people already do. I get that it’s fun to play, but this type of game almost completely replaces going outside and getting out there to be active and fit. Nintendo is actually pushing this thing as the new wave of “active-play”! Active play my active ass! This is just an excuse to sell yet another clunky piece of plastic to clog up living rooms and eventually dumps all over the world. Why? For people to do push-ups, PUSH-UPS! Lunges! Sit-ups! Torso twists! You need to spend money in order to effectively do some stretches? What kind of bizarro world have I fallen into? This is just ridiculous. For $20 bucks, go out and get some ten pound weights, get to the library, oh no wait I’m sorry, Google some weight exercises and stretches and there you go. Wii Fit, but more practical, all for half a day of research.

These are our bodies peeps! Our bodies that we are so preciously given and hold a responsibility to take care of throughout our lives. Eat well, stretch, drink lots and lots and then even more water, and get out and do something. Go for walks, lift a few hand weights, do a few sit ups before going to work. Don’t eat shitty Red Dye #3 in crappy snack foods. Want to lose weight? Do the work! Want to get fit? Take the stairs! Busy lifestyle? Make the damn time!

Life is work. Fitness is work. A hell of a lot of hard work, and no silly game can change that. In a few weeks the gimmick of doing a workout in front of your TV with your step pad will wear off, and like every other fitness fad you’ll chuck it in the closet. Fitness isn’t something that can come from a game. Being healthy is a habit and a lifestyle. Creator and Nintendo God Miyamoto can’t change that fact, no matter how seemingly easy he makes it.

The End

Is nigh…No, no not really, but you see where I’ve taken my stand as a gamer here. Now, I’m not saying the game isn’t tight and totally fun because it is and if you’re into things like Nintendogs (which I did play for two weeks) and you want to treat yourself in the same way to try and get a bit healthier, then good on ya and enjoy. I really do think fitness is important, and if this is your way to a healthy body and mind, then so be it.

What I’m also saying here is be careful, be mindful (as a Jedi once said) and do not take this game too seriously. Like the last Wii game I had problems with Wii Fit is getting rave reviews from all the big sites. And it is a game worthy of some good reviews, but in this case I can’t shake the logic of disliking this game and its concept.

Many people will buy this game, Time Magazine will rave, lots of local news stories about people losing weight from the Wii will pop up over the next few months. And then it will go away and after the peak of profit, Wii Fit will vanish from the hearts and minds of gamers.

Hopefully all those families Miyamoto wants to work out together will still be doing it though…because that’s a noble goal, unrealistic in many ways, but noble.

Hell hath frozen over. Fenrir has swallowed Odin whole. The twilight of the gods is nigh. I hate Mario Kart Wii. Yesterday I had my first chance to experience a game I had been waiting for since the Wii was released. No one could be more shocked by my reaction than me, but I can’t deny how this game let me down and how I have no desire to ever play it again.

I am a huge fan of the Mario Kart games, I have been since the SNES version. I was addicted back then, must have played that game for four years straight. I would eat generic lucky charms and race around for hours trying to beat my best times and earn the cups over and over again. I never had a N64 so I had no connection with that version, but from all the people I know who love the game that was the version that they fell in love with. Then came Double Dash and I was smitten again. Racing with my friends was key to my happiness. We would unlock all maps and mirror mode and play the Grand Prix Championship (all 16 races) like mad fiends until we thought we were too good and then erase all the data and start over again. We loved it.

That is the heart of my love of Mario Kart, playing with my friends. There have always been three main game types in the Kart: Grand Prix, where characters, vehicles, and races are unlocked; Versus, where you can play against just your friends up to four players; and Battle, with different types of games like straight on bust balloons or race to collect this or that. Grand Prix has been and will always be my main squeeze when it comes to Mario Kart. My roommate and I would unlock all the characters together and were satisfied, but not enormously pleased, when all you got at the end of Double Dash was the golden super car. We expected great things from the next incarnation of Mario Kart. With Smash Bros. Brawl having so many characters and secrets we were sure that Mario Kart would exceed all expectations.

The 32 tracks, half of which are revamped versions of older titles, are spectacular. Remakes aside, lots of tracks just adds awesome. There are loads of characters ready at the get go – including my beloved Toad. There are great cars available, and the addition of bikes to the mix is both welcomed and easy to adapt to. The game looks exactly like Double Dash, with a few added items thrown in and all the animations have been slightly tweaked, but for the most part it’s the same thing. That’s fine though, as I’ve stressed before you don’t play a Wii game for graphics.

So, what’s my big problem with Mario Kart Wii? There is no co-op Grand Prix mode. The main reason for my Mario Kart love affair through the ages has been taken out of this version. You can race your friends against the computer in Solo mode, which is just basic racing, or Team mode, which is Red vs. Blue points style, but you don’t unlock anything in either of those modes. You can only unlock tracks, characters, and cars in single player Grand Prix mode. I was shocked. I was hurt. I was appalled.

I had gone over to my friend’s house to help him unlock the rest of the game and get a early review in. I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to come back to the Robot and write all about how much fun I had and how thrilled I was with a sure-fire Wii masterpiece. I got there and after making a new Mii we started up the game on my License, which is the gamercard (as it were) for Mario Kart Wii. Your license has all your player history and stats, so when you go online you can be ranked with like players and you can have access to the tracks and cars that you’ve unlocked. We didn’t get to try out the online stuff, but I don’t play the Wii for online anyway.

We soon found, however, that we couldn’t Grand Prix together. We could race in three ways: random tracks, in order, and player chooses. You can change the class, CPU ability, track order, items (balanced, aggressive, strategic, or none), and change the number of tracks per race. All good things, right? But I was gutted. They had cut the heart out of my reason for playing Mario Kart. Why did I want to unlock everything solo and then play against my friends for, what, bragging rights? I don’t play Mario Kart for bragging rights, I play it like I play co-op campaign Halo. I play it to be a brother in racing arms with my roommate so that by then end in the final showdown between us and the CPU, one of us has to play kamikaze-style with the toughest characters simply to take them out of the race while the other person races for victory. I like playing that way, I like the adventure of unlocking the game with a buddy. Sure, we aren’t on the same team, but we play together in Grand Prix, that was the best part.

Now I’m not going to debate the whole unlockables thing here, that is another discussion entirely. We’ve touched on that in the past few Robot Sounds. Toku and D are on one side of the fence and I am on the other. There is no debate on the validity of having unlockables in multiplayer games like Mario Kart for me right now. The fact is, one of the main reasons I play Mario Kart is to unlock characters by getting the highest rank and trophy on each track. That is just how I play the game and I adore it. Like I said, it gives me that sense of co-op campaign of other games. That part of the game has been removed, in essence Mario Kart has been lobotomized. Sure, there are tons of racing variations to choose from, but without that push it to the limit sensibility of multiplayer Grand Prix I just don’t want to play the game.

Mario Kart Wii has been getting the reviews I would have agreed with before yesterday with 8s, 9s, and super high percentages across the board. Major attention is being lavished on the online addition to the game, which is as much praise for the game itself as it is ragged hope for future online multiplayer functionality for the Wii in general.

Toku said I was being biased because not everyone plays Mario Kart like me, and that is very true. I am biased, but I am also a diehard frelling Mario Kart fan. This is like Zelda and Halo for me, this is one of those games that I love for life and any sequel or version I am going to play and pretty much love because the formula for enjoyment is so simple. But Nintendo has gone and fracked it up so much for me with the Wii version. Yes, I am biased. Yes, not everyone plays the game like I do. But for those who do, and I do know more than one who does, they will be gutted like I was and the game with be empty in their hands. With no Grand Prix multiplayer to unlock things together, the game is hollow and boring.

So there it is, I don’t want to play this game again. I know it’s a “must have Wii title” and sure, go and get it if you want. I’m sure my roommate will and he’ll want me to play with him and I know I’ll play a few rounds with him, but I won’t be filled with delight. Mario Kart Wii for me was a sad realization, of my own gamer mortality so to speak. It made me sad. Mario Kart Wii made me sad.

And that’s all I have to say on the matter.

Huh, yeah so Namco Bandai Editors’ Day happened…Games that give me pause: We Cheer, Active Life: Outdoor Challenge, and We Ski.

Does the phrase holy frakking child obesity batman mean anything to you?

I don’t know what bleeds my brain more, the fact that little girl gamers are going to be gender constricted even more, or that kids are going to be encouraged to jump up and down in front of the tv intsead of going outside to play.

That being said though, I’d totally take a crack at the skiing game…That just looks fun….like the gameplay, not the totally horrendous acting. The whole “look you can play with your kids and everything!” aspect of these trailers is just plain patronizing. Poor the children who dream their parents will actually spend time with them or vice versa for the parents. Let’s face facts here, many people who buy games for their kids usually don’t participate, they buy them to babysit. It’s sad, but I think very true.

Look you can be a super Cheer Girl too!

Mats, mats and more useless mats!

Minus the Bradys I’d totally play it…

Of course, the best thing to come out of the Namco Bandai Editors’ Day is this sexy beast with extra gameplay awesome footage:

Yes, precious, yes…

So here’s a “hands-on” (that sounds so weird) from the Nintendo Media Summit all about those sweet saber moves. Here’s another.

I just can’t wait folks, just can’t wait. This is gonna be tasty to the max.

Yeah.

I said that.

This really should be a WTF Wednesday post because it’s just so stupid. Why would you deny the basic and essential features for a game like Rock Band?

Stephen Totilo over at MTV Multiplayer got some answers and seems to think that there is an online future for the game on the Wii. I say if it’s not there when the gate opens trust nothing! All my friends who have the game have already downloaded additional songs. It’s like one of the first things you do! There’s five extra songs in this version. Five. Because that is a satisfying number.

Badly done Nintendo and Harmonix!

Badly done!

Jason Cipriano at the MTV Multiplayer Blog has this fun little test of the different control schemes for Super Smash Bros Brawl.

I’m all for using the Gamecube controller, it fills that hands very nicely. It fulfils my gaming senses adequately.

Look at me, getting all territorial and bitchy about music sim games…Really, where do I get off?

Well, damns it, this sentence just irks me:

““Ultimate Band invites kids, tweens and teens to join in the jam session,” said Craig Relyea, senior vice president, global marketing, Disney Interactive Studios.”

The full interview and article is over at gamesindustry.biz

Seems Disney has decided to jump in the Rock Band/Guitar Hero frenzy with Ultimate Band! Because you can’t get any hipper than ultimate, bitches.

The game will be Wii and DS exclusive, which allows for players to do away with pesky, expensive, and clunky add-ons.

Apparently, they think the idea of using the Wiimote for every instrument is a good thing. They also think that it will work.

I have doubts. Lack of boxing precision has given me doubts about many a Wii-related thing.

But we shall see…

We shall see.

My new fave blog has a good writeup of last week’s GDC announcement from Microsoft, the xna Developer’s Club, which Redmond was positioning as ‘YouTube for games’. (Sure, if YouTube cost $100 and a computer science degree to join.) A little update on WiiWare, too. Neither is exactly revolutionary, but it’s a step in the right direction – opening the consoles up to indie developers just a little bit more.

Hipster, Please’s latest podcast has a terminator-transformer-themed track from alter ego Snake Eyes. Plus a lot of other awesome nerd music tracks.

Third, kind of on the topic, what do you guys think of the Terminator series? It’s on my mind as I watched a couple episodes today. I don’t think it’s Lost caliber let alone The Wire caliber, but I’m enjoying what they’re doing nonetheless. Hell, they namechecked the singularity! (also I just found that there was? is? an ARG going on based on it)

Fourth: there is a gaping hole in my giant robot knowledge base and its name is: Gundam. Let’s say I want to experience some of the magic. Where would I start?

To double-dip in the ‘NPD group sales reports’ dip bowl: January sales reports are in, and the PS3 has outsold the 360, PSP and the DS for the month. And with 269,000 units to the Wii’s 274,000, damned near beat out the Wii, too, which would have taken a dump in everyone’s “casual games are the future” theories.

OK let me never again mention dump-taking and dip bowls in the same paragraph.

Why did this happen? Well, there’s that thing called Blu-Ray. Also, supplies of both other consoles may have been constrained. And I do think the 360’s hardware problems are catching up with it – more than once, people asking me for console-buying advice have voiced concern that the 360 would fall apart on them.

Wow, it seems like Endless Ocean is already on the shortlist for Most Polarizing Game, 2008. It’s a Nintendo Wii title that allows you to swim around deep-sea diving style and pet the odd fish. It has very little in the goal department, and people either love it or hate it. Tale of Tales’ Michaël Samyn says he enjoys it “more than any game that has been published in the last few years.” Over at MTV Multiplayer, if you can stomach the tired “What We’re Not Playing” chat transcript, you’ll see that Jason Cipriano thinks “you need a conflict in order for [a game] to be enjoyable” and thus hates Endless Ocean.

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Remember Dark Castle? I sure do. Well, you can play it in OS X now. Awesome.

Superheroes in Real Life, aka comic book fans whose membrane between real and make-believe shriveled up in a jaw-dropping way. Awesome. (via Z)

And via Penny Arcade:

Awesome doesn’t really do it justice.

Look! A List! Wow! Tis unique indeed! No seriously! For realsies!

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In which we discuss crony capitalism in Baltimore zoning legislation. Nah, we talk about what we’re playing.

Mags – This week I channeled my inner fourth grader with Playground on the Wii. Sure, it’s about as deep as an illiterate cheerleader, but there’s something just so satisfying about whipping your wife’s butt at wallball and paper airplane racing.

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Is this the “Golden Age of Gaming”? Discuss. We did, with reference to Mass Effect, Assassin’s Creed, Zelda, GTA III, Oblivion and our usual share of griping about games media. Cast: Mags, Nadine, D.

Angry Robot Sounds 7 (17MB mp3, 37mins)

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Wow, get a load of this AV Club review: “blunt, dumb, ridiculous, and almost never funny.” We totally didn’t play the same game. Sure, it could be a whole lot better; its shoddy camera nearly wrecked the thing for me. And I’ll admit that the first few levels are probably the weakest. That Lard Lad level is a little too early in the game, and a little too close to the intersection of hard and tedious. But later levels more than make up for it. The Overlord-style controls for Marge (who uses a megaphone to recruit angry mob members) were a great change-up, and who can argue with the boss fights towards the end: Matt Groening, Shakespeare, and God?

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So funny story, this past weekend I arbitrarily decided to go to Northern Digital Expo (NDEX or as we better know it, NAMBLA) and the first Canadian Open Major League Gaming Event (yippee.) I was greeted kindly by a young girl standing beside an enormous bin filled with IceBreakers breath mints and was promptly informed that I entered through the wrong door. Oh well…

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Nadine was fired from the show and replaced by the much more Harvest Moon-friendly Mark. Kidding, Nadine will be back next time. In a perfect world, it will be all three of us!

Anyway, Mark and I do go on, about: first person shooters (incl. Halo of course), post-Oblivion RPGs, “you got your narrative chocolate in my nonlinear sandbox experience”, the lack of a good giant robot game, and retired pipefitters playing Wii games. And yes, Mark defends Harvest Moon’s honour.

Angry Robot Sounds 6 (16MB mp3, 49mins)

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