To appease male fans, Doctor Who announces every Dalek will have visible penis
CBC Comedy is the worst crime against humour this country has ever committed
‘The moment when it really started to feel insane’: An oral history of the Scaramucci era
Via Funkaoshi. Looks like I picked a heck of a ten days to go on vacation and then get sick. My favourite part is “Pickle”.
Balls Out: The Weird Story of the Great Truck Nuts War
It was an intense and bloody battle between two older men who didn’t really know how to use the internet—over fake balls.
Goodnight, sweet wince.
Experts Analyze Trump’s Handshakes
Some of these are truly exceptional
Pizza Pizza fight began with complaint that order took too long, witness says
Canadians being polite as usual
Trump in Paris: The curious case of his friend Jim
This headline would make an unwatchable romcom
The Most Wanted Man In History: An Oral History Of the Hunt for Osama bin Laden
I don’t know where to begin with this masterful ClickHole piece. So, here:
Dick Cheney: One day I was watching a PBS telethon to raise money to send the California Raisins to massage school. It was a very enjoyable program, and at one point one of the California Raisins came on stage and talked about how he hated singing and he wanted to become a masseur so that he could give a massage to his whole family. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the people taking calls, and I gasp because one of the people working the phones at this PBS telethon was Osama bin Laden.
Death when it comes will have no sheep.
Story titles, invented by neural network
I’m going through the Lewis and Quark archives because this shit makes me cry with laughter. Here’s a good one, that had me fantasizing about making trailers for:
- Pirates: A Fight Dance Story
- Cannibal Spy II
- American Midnight: Swear Dragon
- Swords and Batman: Summer Party ?
- Indiscreet Maidman
Letting neural networks be weird • The neural network will name your next band
A lot of potential here, especially if you want a shark-themed band – and why wouldn’t you?
How to Talk to Your Kid About Ja Rule
There is a day in every parent-child relationship that all mommies and daddies worry about, and that is the day their child starts asking about Ja Rule. Here’s how to deal with it.
Google co-founder Sergey Brin is reportedly building a $100 million ‘air yacht’ to help the poor
Valley douchebag charity poseur syndrome
Tainted buffet at Jacksonville strip club blamed after severe diarrhea incident on stage
Onion made real
UPDATE: too good to be true. Fake news.
New paint colors invented by neural network
Or Aphex Twin track names?
Jonathan Kay Is Going to Be Just Fine
UPDATED TRUMP DOCTOR LETTER
Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. He’s the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for “most” and his blood pressure was rated “excellent” by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesn’t even have one cholesterol.
Fyre Festival, a Luxury Music Weekend, Crumbles in the Bahamas
Lord of the Flies for rich social media influencers