Angry Robot

Dear Coors Light,

I resent that your current TV advertisement brags about your “ice-cold, easy drinking taste.” Cold isn’t a taste, you asshole beer. Neither is “easy drinking.” Hmmm, this beer tastes like liquid! It tastes like drunk! Delicious frat-boy taste! Possibly the fact that this bothers me removes me from your target market. But here’s a hint for my wasted jock readership: for maximum drunkenness, drink any beer over 3% alc/vol instead of that Coors swill, and put it in the fridge. That’s what gives it that “ice cold” taste. For “easy drinking” flavour, simply put it in your funnel.

On a related note, someone once pointed out to me that food ads never make any claims about their product’s taste, preferring to boast about being “hot and fresh” or “hot and filling”. Is this so you can’t sue Taco Bell if your enchilada isn’t “delicious”? I can get “hot and filling” by microwaving medical waste. Mmm, tastes like SARS!

8 comments on "Dear Coors Light,"

  1. king says:

    Thanks for the helpful hint. I’ll try that. I had a similar feeling when I used a toothpaste recently ( i don’t remember which) which advertised: “For That Clean Mouth Feeling”
    I thought: Hey! My mouth feels clean. Even though it’s not.

  2. king says:

    Actually, I like Coors Light. I drink it whenever I’m in Eastern Ontario drinking with Filion’s dad who keeps his basement beer fridge half-full with it. (The other half rotates between brands like Rickard’s Red and I don’t recall what else…). But it doesn’t really have a taste. I mean, I guess if you were blindfolded you could tell it was beer. Or maybe you couldn’t. It is closer in taste to soda water than say, Kilkenny. And the marketing department is right about one thing, in fact, they are secretly hinting at it in that phrase that you so deftly pointed out D, muddles our understanding of the sensation of ‘taste’ — it is only good if it’s ice cold, and by good, I don’t mean beer enthusiast good. I mean it’s wet and fizzy and has alcohol in it and you can drink 17 of them if you want and go golfing. When we were living in Massachusetts we used to get a whole range of beers with no taste and down there they ‘re not even required by law to put a minimum percentage of alcohol in. I had nights where I personally consumed as many as twenty Natural (Natty) Lights and the sensation I felt was nowhere near drunk. It was more like, if you stick a pin in my gut right now you’re gonna be cleaning my insides off of your clothes.

  3. D says:

    So possibly the appeal is in not getting drunk? I.e., it’s better to be able to down 20 and impress your friends but still be able to walk? Those priorities are all fucked up, man!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Wrong. Now is the age when you have to drink to not get drink. All these years of drenching my liver in heavenly hops just to blur my vision, my senses and my reputation has developed into a habit I just can’t shake. While I’m not quite ready for AA — or is it CAA? — I must drink beer when I’m out…anywhere. I don’t even think I want to anymore, but, as Frank the Tank once said, when it hits your lips, it’s just so good. And I just can’t function the way I once did the day after on two hours of sleep with virtual needles in my eyeballs and knives in my brain. So, I’ve resorted to sometimes inhaling the Silver Bullet, if only to have a half dozen drinks, realize I’m still bored with the stench of sobriety while others dance silly jigs, leave whatever shady establishment I’ve had no willpower to decline going to in the first place, and then get myself into bed at a reasonable hour. Ahh, the Coors Lite years: for that “I’m not going to be as drunk as that guy drooling in the corner cause I have to work tomorrow” taste!

  5. jay says:

    In summation you have combined: delicious frat boy taste with hot and filling. Needless to say, you have totally got my attention and totally made my work day easier with enough material to keep my mind reeling. Thank You.

  6. eL says:

    I suppose I see yr. point D, there’s merit to yr. argument. But is Budweiser much different? I mean, it tastes like Clydestale piss, which is what I suspect it really is, and it’s been “beachwood” aged, whatever that means. With all the things people are leaving on beaches nowadays I’m not sure that qualifies as a selling point, but they mention it anyway.

    In any case, Coors is a beer that I suspect tastes the same coming in as it does going out. For the daring, a six-pack could last for weeks, months, years, whoknows? It might not be “delicious,” but it’s sure to be warm, if not filling.

  7. D says:

    No, I don’t find Bud to be any better – although I’m not sure I’ve ever had a Coors Light. We Canucks just love to look down on American beer for its weakness and tastelessness. However, our mainstream beers are only marginally better tasting, but at least they get you drunk, eh?

  8. eL says:

    Eric Idle said it best, “American beer is a lot like making love in a canoe.” (It’s fucking close to water.) That being said, yeah, most American beer is pretty tasteless. Schlafly’s Pale Ale is pretty good though, and there are a couple of places here I can get a good Welsh ale called Double Dragon-though that’s obviously not an American brew.

    Molson isn’t bad, and I’d drink it if it were domestic here, but since it’s tech. an “import” I have a hard time justifying $7 for a 6 of bottles.

    Now that you mention it, what is a Canuck anyway, like a canadian duck? That one’s always baffled me. Cheers.

Comments are closed.