Angry Robot

Vampire Eye for the Straight Guy

I was disappointed with the vampires in Bigelow’s Near Dark. Not only does the film feel like a filthy southern ripoff of her one-time hubby’s Aliens, sharing as it does two cast members in Paxton and Henriksen, but the vampires take absolutely no pride in their appearance. They tool around rural America in an RV, dressed like shitbags, screechin’ and cussin’, rarely botherin’ to change their filthy clothes. Take some pride in your appearance, vampires! You’re the top of the horror food chain. At the very least you can go Goth, with the makeup and frilly shirts and such, or classic, like Dracula, Blacula, and others. Not having seen Vampire in Brookyln, I’m not sure if any smart tracksuits were worn by vampires in that film, but that might be a ‘look’ to explore, as long as the tracksuits are velour or terrycloth and aren’t stained with pizza grease or the dust of cheezies – but unless Chester Cheetah makes a blood-flavoured Cheeto that seems unlikely. Business Vampire, Lawyer Vampire or even Judge Vampire – in the UK at least, think of the wig opportunities! You should try, try, try to improve your appearance, but try as you might you can’t beat the 60s sci-fi Italian-leather space vampires of Bava’s Planet of the Vampires. They just had that shit down, and it’s good for the rest of you they never made it back to earth.

Vampires at least have the ability to select their wardrobe, unlike most of the horror races. Werewolves don’t get to wear any clothes at all, nor do they even remember what happened, which makes them the horror equivalent of binge-drinking streakers. Zombies are too fucking dumb to think about clothes, and I can assume ghosts perpetually sport the outfit they wore to their unjust demise, which is a shame, and they must pine for a good pair of hauntin’ slacks – something that doesn’t chafe the gut. Ghouls, ghasts, wraiths, etc.: too small-market to matter. They should wear uniforms so we can tell them apart. Demons go buff to show off their wings n’ horns n’ suchlike, as would I, or they take human form for the purposes of tempting so-and-so with the ability to really shred that axe, or the obscure-yet-still-evil real estate deal, and in those cases their attire is dictated by the job (which is a shame since velour tracksuits would probably look great on demons, too, but there are only so many Puffys to tempt). Serial killers – do they even count as a horror race? If so, we know they’re stuck in the gutter with the trenchcoats and sweatpant / boot combo, everything wrinkled from sleeping in the van or the basement, exception being dude from American Psycho, but he’s a one-off type deal. You’re really in your own class, vampires, so dress accordingly. If that damn movie had said “Filthy Southern Vampires” on the cover I never would have rented it.

4 comments on "Vampire Eye for the Straight Guy"

  1. ÿ says:

    I remember Vampire’s Kiss being a pretty funny movie. It was written by Joseph Minion, who penned After Hours, so it isn’t like the best movie ever made or anything, but funny. Or at least, 11 years ago I thought so.

  2. D says:

    Let me add, while we’re on the topic, that Habit is an excellent kinda-amiguous-vampire film. Vampire’s Kiss I have not seen.

  3. You’re on to something here, but I’d like to add something directed to all the hundred-plus year-old vampires out there.

    Start acting your age. I can’t even begin to count how many “ancient” vampires turn out to nothing more than teenage punks. Nobody’s saying you have to be a geriatric, but at least be a man (or woman).

    Also I agree, Vampire’s Kiss is worth seeing if only for Cage’s performance, which people seem to either love or hate.

  4. bigbabymamadrama says:

    [comment deleted]

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